The War Within - a personal essay

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Like magic, my aura is sometimes an illusion--an illusion of the woman I want to become, not necessarily the woman that I am in that present moment. My smile, my spunk, my swag, they all make up a reflection of the strong, confident woman I long to be every single day. Some days I am one with this woman and other days, I cannot find her. Learning to deal with her sporadic appearances is far from pleasant, but necessary. 

Being unable to find this strong, confident woman is like groping around for my glasses in a well-lit room. She’s there, clearly, but something or someone still manages to obstruct my view of her. Life would be much easier--near perfect, even--if she would just reveal herself, and stay forever. Instead, I’m left to wrestle and wage war against “the troubled woman.”

This troubled woman has many guises. She yells, thinks irrationally, is insecure, and lives in fear of everything. When she’s around, I feel a weight upon me like that of the turbulent ocean, which drowns out my voice and suffocates the very life out of my soul. Why must she stir up so much conflict within me?

I’ve never liked conflict--even as a child. In fact, it takes every ounce of strength within me to face conflict head on. Yet, in those moments of disarray, invaluable lessons are revealed. Ironically, when I cease to fight using my own strength, growth emerges, clarity sprouts, and finally, the woman I long to become appears. 

As I soak in the rays of her presence, I am reminded that there is a purpose for everything. Conflict and harmony, complexity and simplicity, comprehension and enigma--even rain and rainbows. As much as I loathe turmoil and dysfunction, I admit they have helped in removing the scales before my eyes. 

The illusion of the woman I long to become is in fact not an illusion at all. She is a part of me, just as gold hidden within the rough ore. Even gold, in all its beauty, had to endure brokenness and repeated encounters with scorching fire in order to achieve its coveted state. Like gold, I too must endure the fiery furnace, the inexplicable storms, the conflicts, and the revelations in order for the strong, confident woman within me to shine brightly. This process of refining is not to be feared or despised but welcomed with joy. 

Comment below with a time when you've felt like this.